I love children. My career revolves around children. I am passionate about children. I cannot wait to have children (or child, still up for debate). But there are so many things that I really dislike about children.
1. Getting up early in the summer with children. Early for me is 8:30am in the summertime. I set my alarm for 8am, hit snooze three times, and then climb out of bed and sit on the couch for an hour. Then I'm awake. These children come INTO my bedroom at 3am, get in bed with me, make weird sleeping noises, and then are awake for the day at 6am. Not fun.
2. Preparing food for children. I eat most things out of a box or a can. Occasionally I will open a bag of pasta and a jar of sauce. I buy most of my groceries in the frozen aisle of Trader Joe's. When I want actual food, I go to my parents' house. These children want actual food all the time. It's not even difficult food, but I haaaate cooking. We've had pancakes, scrambled eggs, sausage, tacos, and lots of mac and cheese. I'm sick of washing dishes. I'm sick of picking up plates. I'm sick of the fact that neither of them like the same foods. My kids are eating fast food...or my husband better be a gourmet chef. There will be NO romantically cooked dinners when we're dating.
3. Bathing children. I should not have to get into the bathtub with you and pour buckets of water over your body because you refuse to rinse off soap. And I do not think it's funny when you fart in the bathtub because my feet are in there with you!
4. Blowing up a backyard pool for children. No no, it only took me an hour to blow up and you don't want to go in because the water from the hose is too cold? Not a problem. I wanted to crouch awkwardly in the grass holding an electric pump two inches from my ear because the extension cord isn't long enough. Would you like me to pick up the 37 towels you left on the lawn? And why aren't you wearing your bathing suit anymore? Private parts stay in the backyard.
5. Going places with children. I love the zoo. It is one of my favorite things to do in the summer. I love spending time at my favorite exhibits: the bears, the penguins, and the gorillas. These children like those exhibits too. For three minutes. Bears are boring. Why aren't they growling? These penguins smell like fish. These gorillas are just sitting. Can we go on the carousel? My favorite part of the zoo was the fountain I could put my hand in. Next time I will leave them at home.
At least we didn't lock ourselves in our bedroom this time. But we did wear only underwear for the entire day yesterday.
