After spending some quality time with Laura and Susie today, it has become incredibly clear why I am still single: I am too old. Twenty-six may not seem old -- I have to actually THINK about how old I am now --but trust me, when the men (boys) I have crushes on are mostly years younger than me, it seems even older.
Zac Efron. Perfect hair, great smile, sweet abs.
Twenty-two years old.
Taylor Lautner. Have you seen New Moon?
SEVENTEEN years old.
Anthony Fedorov. Can sing, is kind of a nerd, would provide me with naturally blonde children.
Twenty-four years old.
After watching (500) Days of Summer twice today, I've decided that my new, age-appropriate celebrity crush is Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He is darling, has great dimples, is not seven feet tall (it's a habit), and starred in one of my favorite movies: Angels in the Outfield.
It is no longer okay to be in love with Taylor Lautner.
*On a more serious note, please do not go and see New Moon. It's quite embarrassing to be the only two people between the ages of 14 and 35 in a movie theater where everyone SCREAMS whenever RPatz comes on screen to smolder and wrinkle his nose at Bella. Kristen Stewert is the worst actress ever (besides Nicolas Cage) and Kellen Lutz had maybe three minutes of screen time. Edward still sparkled like an 80s music video and the rest of the wolf pack forgot to go to the gym. I should probably write movie reviews for the Seattle Times.
Other things that aren't great about turning 26:
*Being carded. "26? I would have guessed 19, maybe 20." Thank you.
*One step closer to 29, my Do Not Want To Be age.
So...if I'm going to turn another year older, you'd better believe I'm going to do it In Style.
Not that I was living in complete luxury, but back when I had a full-time teaching job (with benefits! with a retirement plan! with summers off!), I spent my money. Often. I wasn't extravagant, but I took vacations, I bought nice jeans, and I handed over my credit card at the end of a dinner with friends.
Fast-forward to now.
My full-time preschool teaching job was recently cut to part-time and then even more recently cut to no-time. My boss "let me go" because I took a second part-time job to pay my rent. And nice jeans. I miss the kids and that's about it.
I now have the best job in the WORLD working in special ed at the best elementary school in the WORLD, but alas, it's only part-time. Which brings me to a fun game I like to call "Then and Now."
Then: Beautiful townhouse in Seattle, two blocks from Gasworks, half a mile from Fremont, and dangerously close to many many boutiques. Now: Awesome condo in Redmond, far far away from my beloved Seattle, but closer to everything else important in my life.
Winner: Now
Then: Nordstrom card, Macy's card, GAP card (platinum level, might I add), Victoria's Secret card, two credit cards, one debit card, and ZERO credit card debt. Now: All these cards, hopelessly collecting dust in my wallet. Except my Tinkerbell Visa, which obviously is still used so I can collect Disney points!
Winner: Then
Then: Eating out at least three times a week, happy hours, coffee dates, ice cream dates, movie theater popcorn... Now: I'm learning to cook. Surprisingly, I'm not a horrible cook. I'm learning to grocery shop without just tossing boxes of Pasta Roni into my cart. I also have a crock pot!
Winner: Now? (I still go to happy hour...cheap food...cheap drinks!)
Then: Frequency customer of Borders. Granted I DID have a teacher membership which I mostly certainly abused ("Of COURSE this copy of "Sex Lives of Cannibals" is for my first grade class."). Now: Library books. Right now I'm reading through the Narnia books, which are awesome, but I miss being able to fold down the edges of my books to save my place.
Winner: Then
Just think, when I finally get back into a classroom, I'll have my Masters plus two years plus about 15 credits. Which means I'll be able to afford someone to clean up after me when I cook, because seriously, this cooking thing isn't actually so bad!
I played kickball this evening. You can all kindly pick your jaws up off the floor. I didn't suck.
My dear friend Jeff (who knows better) called this afternoon and said, in an overly excited tone, "What are you doing tonight?" Expecting an invitation to dinner or perhaps an offer to give me my blender back, I responded, "Nothing! What's up?" "Oh good, you're going to play kickball."
I panicked. I backpedaled. "Jeff, you know I'm not athletic AT ALL. You don't want me on your kickball team."
"I know. This is how desperate I am."
Upon arrival at the kickball field, I learned that my friend Erika was responsible for the phone call. Thanks Erika, off the Christmas card list. I pleaded with my friend Annie to come play, but as she is currently "injured," she was happy to sit on the sidelines and take pictures to prove to everyone that I actually own a pair of athletic shoes and that I can move quickly even when there's not a bee in the vicinity.
Attempting to keep me out of the outfield, Jeff suggested that I pitch, which was a genius decision on his part. I was so good. I barely had to run and I only had to throw the ball to first base four times.
I caught a pop-up, struck a girl out (which really meant that she kicked it foul two times, but still...), made it on base three times, and didn't look like a complete spaz when I ran. Erika scraped up her knees (karma?) and Annie supportively shivered in the dugout. HOWEVER. I do not appreciate the sarcastic comments from my friends.
Text from friend #1: WAIT. You played kickball?!!?
Phone call from friend #2: Did people see you run? And they still let you play?
Comment from my own mother: Like actual kickball? On purpose?
Best one - BBM from Jeff: Totally proud of you. You were really great.
I'm fairly certain Karen is the only person who reads this, and I really don't think my stories translate well in writing (at least through impromptu blog-writing), but this is a good one.
I now work in special education, as a one-on-one para-educator for a seven year old girl with Autism. She's very involved: no speech, no responding, no anything really. She's darling and incredibly sweet, so I love her, but I am TIRED at the end of the day. As her one-on-one, I have to be with her at all times. All. Times.
Today we went swimming.
I'll start this story by explaining that the swimming instructor - we'll call him "Skinniest Man Alive" - is great with the kids, but somewhat of an interesting character. As I paraded into the swimming pool area in my neon green Speedo, holding the hand of a little girl in a swim diaper and a swimsuit that kept falling off (who cares, she's a little girl, and no kid in that pool knows nakedness is inappropriate), I glanced into the pool to see if Skinniest Man Alive (SMA) was ready for us to get in.
HE WAS IN A WETSUIT.
This is a special ed pool. It was probably 95 degrees in there. When I got in the water, I almost fell asleep. A wetsuit?? The kid must have absolutely no body fat. A wetsuit buttoned up to his neck. Are you kidding? I wanted to shed my suit as soon as I got in the water. It was like a sauna. PS - The wetsuit was TOO BIG for him, so it wasn't even tight. Just awkwardly bunchy.
So we swam for thirty minutes and my little darling managed to pull my top off (thank you), splash my mascara off into the water (as a little Downs girl screamed, "BUG IN THE WATER"), and swallow approximately five gallons of pool water. At least she was hydrated. It's a concern.
After changing out of my swimsuit in front of three children and two adults (nightmare), we went to join the rest of our class in PE. During the "brain dance," where the rest of the class attempts to cross the midline and stand on one foot and even normal first grade boys can't do that, LD and I (Little Darling, as I will henceforth refer to her as) sat on the floor and cuddled. It was a long day.
Flash forward to the end of PE when LD climbed off my lap and I realized I was soaking wet. Was her hair dripping onto my jeans? Did I forget to take her out of her swim diaper? The pool of water on the floor was at least a foot in diameter...what on earth? Smelled like water. Looked like water.
It was pee.
LD had peed all over herself. LD had peed all over me. Not one adult in that room was sympathetic. Giggles. Laughter. Pointing. I am seriously soaked and LD's skirt is soaked. Her defective Dora the Explorer diaper is disintegrating onto the floor. Her brown tights are dripping all over the floor and when I took her pink cowboy boots off a few minutes later, they were FILLED WITH PEE. And I've still got my fingers in the puddle going, "I think it's just water!"
Still, the best part of this story is that the swim instructor wore a WETSUIT in the pool.
I signed up to be a teacher for the following three reasons:
1. I love children.
2. I love learning.
3. SUMMERS OFF!
Thanks to this lovely economy, I had to give up my premium teaching job (read: best first graders EVER) for a second-best teaching job: preschool. My preschool continues during the summer.
Wait a sec.
(Those of you who have a year-round job, do not tell me I'm complaining. You can take a vacation whenever you want. I have three (THREE) personal days every year. Do you know how crowded Disneyland is in the summer?)
Granted, I've been a nanny during previous summers, but last summer I brought the kids to the gym, to happy hour, and left them at home for hours at a time because they were 14 and 15. One time we drove to the outlet malls because I wanted new shoes and completely forgot about soccer practice. Whoops.
So this summer, I've had my first real summer job. My days have consisted of filling up countless water bottles, bandaging countless owies, cutting up countless apples and bananas, and collecting countless, priceless memories.
*Most of the kids (who are 3, 4, and 5) can appropriately use the phrase "That's what she said."
*I drowned an ant hill and scarred 18 children for life. "YOU'RE MURDERING THEM!"
*My co-worker tricked me into eating a green pepper.
*I've fallen completely in love with a two-year-old named Jack. (Have you seen the South Park episode when the kindergarten teacher dates her student? Just curious.)
*I have only changed one diaper all summer. And when I was finished, the two-year-old told me, "Good job Miss Catlyn."
I spent a few hours in court yesterday. I didn't do anything, but I accompanied a friend who was protesting some sort of charge (details withheld to protect the ridiculous).
Court is now my favorite place in the whole world. People are morons!
Case #1: Forty-year-old man comes before the judge to dispute the fact that he doesn't want to pay his $450 fine for his DUI. Judge tells him that because he was convicted, he has to pay the fine. He decides he would rather have the charge dropped. Judge tells him that he has Already. Been. Convicted. Man gives up, pays his fine.
Case #2: Creepiest man ever. I'm not sure how many charges he had against him, but he apparently goes to AA twice a day (right), did 100 hours of community service in Wenatchee (right), has not had his licence in over a year (how does he get to Wenatchee?), and then he hands her the identical community service log he gave her two months prior. His phone rings in the middle of all of this and he ANSWERS it. Judge tells him to hang up and turn it off. He does. Oh wait, it rings again, so he starts texting. Judge eventually removes one charge (for assault? Drunken assault? Is that a charge?) and lets him leave.
Remember the creepster from Little Children? This is what the guy looked like.
Case #3: Little blonde teenager named Doreen (hahaha). She's already missed three court dates? The judge is curious as to why. "My stepbrother was in a car accident." The judge would like to know what this has to do with Doreen. "He died." The judge wants to know when the funeral was. Oh, it was three days after your hearing? No excuse. Pre-trial date set.
Case #4 (my personal favorite): Skinny skinny supertall guy. He's also missed three court dates. Why? His grandmother broke her knee and he had to take her to the hospital. Judge is not buying this. That was six weeks ago. Why didn't he come in the next day? Because he doesn't have a car. (How did you get grandma to the hospital?) Judge looks at the FOUR friends he brought with him. Funny that none of them could drive him in the past six weeks, but amazingly, they were ALL free to bring him today! Pre-trial.
Case #5: Shorter-than-me Asian guy. Two DUIs. Refuses to do community service. Judge hates him and tells him to get a lawyer. He wants his friend to be his lawyer. Does your friend work for the city of Redmond? No? He works as a public defender in Seattle? Sorry. Guy also wants his court date postponed because he is moving to California in June. When would you like your court date to be postponed until. JANUARY. Nice try - see you in May!
Case #6 (America's teenagers at their finest): BAGGY pants pulled up to his chest and secured with what I am assuming is his father's belt. He missed his third court date because his girlfriend happened to get pregnant and told him the day of his trial. The judge rolls her eyes into the back of her head and sets his trial date. Later, we run into this guy in the lobby who tells us that he made the whole pregnancy story up. REALLY?? By this time, his pants are practically around his knees and his St. Patrick's Day boxers are adorned with drunk leprechauns.
When I get tired of this whole teaching thing, I'm going to become a professional court-goer. Best afternoon I've had in a long time!
Last Saturday night I watched Oklahoma! while hanging out with my favorite little girls in the world. What a fantastic movie! While watching, I remembered that Curly, the main character, was one of my first crushes when I was a little girl. He was the perfect mixture of cockiness and eagerness, desperately trying to impress Laurey while still remaining masculine in the process. His cowboy swagger was intimidatingly enthralling and his voice melted my seven-year-old heart. I was convinced I was going to marry a man like Curly when I grew up. Other not-actually-real-people crushes from when I was younger? Scott Wormer from Now and Then and Ben from My Father the Hero,. Except the crush on Ben was really from my sophomore year of high school.
Curly.
Scott Wormer.
Ben. (Not the guy in the bed.)
In other news, Laura Clark got a concussion from hitting her head on her BICYCLE when trying to put it in her car. Not as good as when her roommate got a concussion from hitting her head on her kindergartener's cubbies, but close enough.
And lastly, a bean burrito meal from Taco Time has a whopping 820 calories. Goodbye Taco Time. :(
A friend of mine asked me to compile a list of my favorite songs and send the list to her so she could update her iTunes library.I was tempted to simply list all the tracks from Muse's Absolution and Black Holes and Revelations and hit send, but I was intrigued by her request.
I spent the better half of a day pouring over my iPod, writing down songs and entire albums. I pondered over classics, indies, my entire Britney Spears collection, and my endless supply of musicals and soundtracks. At the end of the day, my list of You Must Own music totaled 28 albums plus an additional 83 songs - roughly $350 worth of iTunes gift cards.
My expansive list made me wonder if it were even possible to narrow it down to just my FAVORITES. As a girl who has a favorite-everything-in-the-whole-world, I knew my work was cut out for me. My favorite feature of the iTunes store is the "Celebrity Playlist" section, where celebrities list their absolutelyfavorite songs and tell us, the waiting-with-baited-breath public, why these are their favorites. Perfect.
Minus the Muppet Treasure Island, Mamma Mia, and High School Musical 3 soundtracks (all of which will forever be in my top 10 albums), here is my iTunes Celebrity Playlist.
"Dakota" Stereophonics (Track 1): My favorite part of college was skipping class and laying on the pole vault pads on sunny days - this song reminds me so much of those days.
"Grace Kelly" Mika (Track 2): His Freddy Mercury voice kills. Not to mention his crazy energy.
"23" Jimmy Eat World (Track 3): Jim Adkins' lyrics are painfully brilliant. "You'll sit alone forever/If you wait for the right time/What are you hoping for?"
"September" Earth, Wind & Fire (Track 4): This will be the Last Dance song at my wedding.
"One Day Like This" Elbow (Track 5): Best music video. Best message. Best use of a strings section.
"Pride" Syntax (Track 6): The build-up to the end of this song is amazing. The lyrics are fantastic as well.
"Straight Lines" Silverchair (Track 7): I listened to this song on repeat for the duration of my flight to Vegas two summers ago. It's that addicting.
"Bliss" Muse (Track 8): I really could have put any of several Muse songs, but this one encompasses the brillance that is Matt Bellamy. The arpeggios are the best.
"Run" Snow Patrol (Track 9): I am legitametly in love with Gary Lightbody. His voice is perfect and this is the greatest love song ever written, even if it is about a break-up.
"Mama's Room" Under the Influence of Giants (Track 10): This band is awesome! Mama's Room is disco-y and so cool. This was my ringtone for two years.
"Bedshaped" Keane (Track 11): Tom Chaplin sings this song with so much hope.
"Ashes" Embrace (Track 12): This is the perfect I've-Been-Hurt-But-I'm-Better-Than-You song.
"All These Things I've Done" The Killers (Track 13): How can you not love this song? It is PERFECT live.
"I Don't Feel Like Dancing" Scissor Sisters (Track 14): You will be dancing. All over the place.
"Lauren and I" Keith Harkin (of Celtic Thunder) (Track 15): I probably should have just put both of their albums as my favorite songs, but this one is beautiful and pure and his voice gives me goosebumps.
"Beautiful" Goldfrapp (Track 16): This is my "driving" song - always on when I'm in the car.
"In The Air Tonight" Phil Collins (Track 17): The drums...and it's PHIL COLLINS.
"Foreplay/Long Time" Boston (Track 18): My favorite song to play on My favorite song to play on Rock Band and I can't believe my parents didn't introduce this to me during their "oldies" phase.
