Birth Control

Everyone always asks me, "Because you're a teacher, does it make you not want to have children?" 

Of course I want to have children, but I'm not so sure I want more than one. I don't think I'll ever be able to understand the dimensions of sibling rivalry. I don't know how to share. I don't know how to compromise. I don't know how to NOT be the center of my parents' attention. (These are not faults.) Figuring out the dynamics between siblings is something I have never been able to do. More than one child would just confuse me.

And today happened. As if I was even thinking about inching toward the idea of having more than one child.

Background: I have a favorite student. C-Man. We're not allowed to have favorites, but he's transferring to a new school in the fall and I have no idea where I'll be come September, so now I can shout it from the rooftops. Favorite Student's mom asked me if I wanted to spent four days and three nights with the little bugger and his younger sister while she went on a business trip to Santa Cruz. I jumped at the opportunity, packed my yoga pants and very washable t-shirts, and prepared for the best babysitting gig ever.

Day one: 90 degrees, pool time for three hours, sunburned shoulders, mac and cheese for lunch and dinner.

Day two: Woken up by C-Man in a Buzz Lightyear costume, rain rain rain, endless movies, swim lessons.

Divine, right?

We're just closing up shop on day three. It started out well. I actually slept seven hours last night, as opposed to the (maybe) four that I got the night before. Took little sister to preschool, so C-Man and I played some Rock Band at my parents' house and ate rice krispy treats for lunch. Then we picked little sister up from preschool. We probably should have left her there.

We came home and she promptly stole the Toy Story 3 DS game from her brother, ran upstairs, and locked herself in her bedroom, which drove the little guy up the wall. He flew down the stairs, sobbing, and flung himself at my feet. "Leeeeeeena took my game." I calmly walked up the stairs to see little sister sitting in front of her closed bedroom door, looked extremely proud of herself.

"I put the game on my bed, locked the door, and shut it."

Her door locks from the inside, which meant we were now locked out of her room. And we had three hours until her baseball game. After an hour of sticking bobby pins and paperclips in the teeny hole in the doorknob, I texted Mom, who advised me to take the doorknob off the door. Which takes way longer than you'd think. Once inside, I confiscated the DS game which made me the most popular person in the house. I left the doorknob off, just in case she decided to lock her brother in her room (he wouldn't be able to unlock the door...fine motor skill).

About an hour before her baseball game, I asked little sister to go upstairs and change into her uniform. Not two minutes after I'd sent her upstairs, C-Man comes racing down the stairs. "Leeeeeeeeeena's stuck." Again, I calmly walked upstairs.

Little sister had LOCKED herself in her room. The doorknob was off the door, but the latching mechanism and the bolt were still in the door (I looked those two words up...I typed "door knob removal" into Google Images and browsed through pictures until I found what the little thingys looked like). By closing the door, it had latched shut, but without a knob, she couldn't unlatch the latching mechanism.

Do not panic do not panic do not panic. One hour til baseball and she is TRAPPED in her room. My father is AT WORK and cannot come take the door off its hinges. My mother is as useless as I am. My only helper is trying to climb all over me and stick his hand in the doorknob-hole. Little sister is throwing her body against the door. Do not panic do not panic.

After 15 minutes of coaching from my mom ("Just jiggle it? Are you staying calm? Push hard?"), I finally jab a screwdriver into a hole in the latching mechanism and push with all my might. The door popped open and she was free! 

I barely had time to pull myself up from my exhausted collapse onto the floor because C-Man immediately raced into her room screaming, "Me next!" I managed to shove my hand in between the door and the wall just as it was closing. 

We made it to baseball on time and I will be having one child.

Dr. Best Friend

I have a lot of best friends. I have two best friends for life, whom I've known since I was a baby. An infant, really. One of those best friends, I was a fetus (our moms were in child birth class together). I have my three best friends from high school. I have my three best girlfriends from college. I have a post-college best girlfriend who I met at work.  I have three best friends in my Small Group (who are kind of from college, but to not complicate things, we'll call them my Small Group best friends).

I also have my best guy-friend. We met our junior year of college and have shared plenty of awesome memories over the years. We went on two vacations together and nearly killed each other during the first one. Six days together was a little much. And I made him see Wicked, which probably tipped him over the edge. We got parking tickets on the same day because we were drinking beers in a kiddie pool on his balcony and were too "lazy" to move our cars. We both fell asleep at a bar one night (it was a long day of pirate parties).We both ended up in the ER within twelve hours of each other...when I was in Hawaii and he was in Seattle. He taught me how to play Guitar Hero, how to eat sushi, and when to let go of terrible relationships. I taught him that girls don't eat as much as boys, that concerts are way more fun in the back row, and how to get rid of stupid relationships.

Today was a major turning point in our friendship. My best guy-friend filled my cavities. Dr. Best Friend is finishing up his fourth year of dental school, which means that in two short weeks, he will become an official dentist. I don't have dental insurance and he needed something to do on a Wednesday morning, so I let him give me TWO shots in my gums and drill four holes in my molars. That, my friends, is trust.

He did a great job, but I'm pretty sure dentists shouldn't talk badly about their assistants in front of their patients. I let it slide. He let me listen to Snow Patrol and The Killers and I let him put needles in my mouth. After four LONG years of listening to stories about mandibles and implants and caries (which means cavities) and loupes and occlusions, it was amazing to actually watch him in action. 

I am beyond proud. And he didn't have to sit on me to give me the shots.

Caterpillars

My first day of student teaching, my mentor teacher handed me some gloves, a Qtip, and a sewing needle. She informed me I would be pollinating flowers. Why the needle? I asked hesitantly.

To keep the dead bees from flopping around while I swabbed them with a Qtip and then transfered the pollen to a flower.


Gross gross gross. I almost abandoned my teaching career at that exact moment. Good thing I kept going, because two weeks ago, I had the privilege of working once again with my least favorite thing in the whole entire world: bugs.

I escaped took a break from my little darling (you remember, she peed on me) for a week and subbed in a 2nd-grade classroom. The teacher's sister had hip replacement surgery, so I was called in to take over for five days. As the teacher caught me up on what I'd be teaching while she was gone, she innocently slipped in this little gem: "By the way, the caterpillars arrive on Wednesday, so you'll need to transfer them from their carrying case to their individual containers." She failed to mention the GIANT BALL OF FOOD/POOP the caterpillars would be smushed into when they arrived. More on that later.

Side note: when I was younger, the neighborhood girls and I spent hours outside capturing bugs, putting them in jars, and creating bug worlds. I was hardly squeamish about picking up worms and caterpillars, but that was when I was young and naive. Fast forward to last week.

The caterpillars arrived in a box, with the following instructions: REMOVE CATERPILLARS FROM BOX IMMEDIATELY. I wanted to eat lunch, but I pictured thirty caterpillars crawling around inside their container, desperate for food and their newfound friendships with twenty-four excited eight-year-olds. I sliced open the box.

It's hard to tell, but there is a large brown mass in the middle of this container. The mass is a mixture of caterpillar food and caterpillar poop, all rolled into one gigantic ball, covered with caterpillars. There are also some dead caterpillars smashed inside this food/poop ball. My job was to remove all the live caterpillars from the food/poop ball and transfer them to their individual containers.

But first, I needed to fill the mini-containers with caterpillar food. Which smelled like vomit. Vomit and rotten food. Vomit, rotten food, and poopy diaper. Worst smell ever ever ever. I used a spoon to smush some vomit-food into each caterpillar container. I gagged every. single. time.

I did not eat lunch. I had to breathe through my nose. I had to leave the room periodically to get fresh air.

Twenty minutes later, I had filled thirty caterpillar cups with the vomit-food. My next task was to transfer one caterpillar into each container. With a thin paintbrush. The poor caterpillars did not want to leave their food/poop ball and I swear their tiny caterpillar hands were clinging on for dear life. It only took me another TWENTY MINUTES to transfer all the caterpillars.

Ta da!! Forty minutes of my life...gone.

As of two days ago, most of the caterpillars (that didn't die) were cozied up in their chrysalises, waiting to become beautiful butterflies, which we aren't allowed to release into the wild, so the kids get to watch them shrivel up and die right before their very eyes. The circle of life.

Spring Cleaning

I'm sick. I've been stuck under my covers for over 24 hours, sleeping for a few hours, waking up long enough to empty out my DVR, then dozing off again. My least favorite thing is being sick.

With nothing else to do, I'm attempting to clean out my iTunes library. I first downloaded the money-sucking application in 2002, four years before I got an actual iPod. When I graduated high school, my iTunes library was filled with Nsync, Britney Spears, and Alanis Morissette. Although those three artists remain (and always will), my taste in music has greatly improved, but my library has become cluttered and outdated. My college bff Jeff once spent nearly four hours transferring his entire music collection onto my laptop, loading me up with his favorites -- which became my favorites -- and many many many albums I've loved and then forgotten.

It's fascinating how much music controls our lives. In my library of 4000+ songs, I hold priceless memories.

Enya reminds me of high school, because Nelly played "Sail Away" during a presentation and let me listen to the entire song before she moved on to the academic part of her project. The Lion King soundtrack reminds me of my childhood, because Katy and I used to act out all the songs. The Faint reminds me of my last years of college, where an ill-fated "romance" took up too much of my time.

"In the Air Tonight," my all-time favorite song, marked the end of a months-long fight with a best friend, who attempted a peace offering by playing Phil Collins for me.

"Knights in White Satin" reminds me of my father, who loves the Moody Blues. "Freshman" reminds me of my favorite boyfriend from high school, who played The Verve Pipe over and over while we drove around in his car. The High School Musical soundtrack reminds me of my grandmother, because I watched the movie over and over after she died, attempting to erase my sadness.

I deleted Bloc Party because I don't have to pretend to like them anymore. Same with Cloud Cult, who I wanted to love, but never could. I'm keeping Embrace, even though their second album was disappointing. I'm on the fence with Stars and Eels.

I'll forever keep The Proclaimers because it's the only CD my parents and I could agree on when we drove to Spokane every summer. "Polaris" by Jimmy Eat World became a favorite in 2005 and only lost its reign to "Disintegration" a few years later. Both songs epitomize college.

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" brings back memories from our 1989 trip to Hawaii, because the locals blasted it. "When I'm 64" was the karaoke song of the 90s, when my mom got us neighborhood kids a karaoke machine. "To Love You More" by Celine Dion treated Brianna and I to endless hours of joy when we both got our driver's licences. "Crazy" by KC and JoJo reminds me of my prom, which was nearly eight years ago. Where has the time gone?

All we have left are memories. And music.

Why I Dress Like a Ten-Year-Old

I went to the Gap last weekend and bought four solid-colored tshirts for $12 each. I will wear them four times a week for the next three months. If I'm really crazy, I might wear an athletic t-shirt from Target to work. I also own several hoodie sweatshirts and four pairs of Chuck Taylors. Why, do you ask, do I wear jeans and t-shirts every day to work?

Exhibit A: My students love to wipe their noses/spit/grubby hands all over me.
I once wore a nice blouse with ruffles on the front. And by ruffles I mean a fancy handkerchief for seven-year-olds.

Exhibit B: I have been peed on at least twice.
The second time was when I brought two boys to the bathroom and prematurely (postmaturely?) helped unzip a zipper.

Exhibit C: Paint is fun to flick.
St. Patrick's Day = green paint = green clothing.

Exhibit D: Ketchup is served for lunch every day.
And sometimes, all we eat for lunch is ketchup.

Exhibit E: I am a jungle gym.
No, please, step on my feet and ask me to walk around the classroom. Also, go right ahead and climb on me while I'm tying your shoes. And while we're at it, I would love to chase you around in my flats all over the bark-covered playground.

Exhibit F: Oral fixation.
Every child in my classroom constantly has a finger or hand stuck in his mouth. Why would we wash our hands if we can just wipe our slobber on my shirt? Or face.

Exhibit G: My coworkers are 40-year-old moms.
If I dress remotely cute, I'm asked by four different women if I have a date after school. Or if I'm meeting friends for happy hour. Or if I'm "going out on the town." No, I'm going home to take a shower.

WTF 2010??

First off, where did February go? Where did JANUARY go? I'm fairly positive we just had Christmas Break...and now we're almost at St. Patty's Day? Time flies when you're...partially employed.

2010 has brought some great events so far. Two friends have had babies. Two more announced their pregnancies. Matt Morris released quite possibly the best album of 2010, and it's only March. I went on my first shopping trip to Ikea. I got even better at Rockband (I know. You're surprised I even had room to improve). But 2010 has also brought some crazy events. I would like to present you with:

WTF 2010?! (so far)

Lost. I can't even begin to explain this season of Lost. Dead characters have returned. The plane "didn't" crash. Claire has gone nuts, as has Sayid. Sawyer has barely any screen time. Please let him end up with Kate. Not enough Ben! How will everything be solved by May? I'm going crazy with every episode and have already re-watched some of the episodes twice. 

And speaking of crazy television events...

The opening and closing Olympics ceremonies. After China won the gold medal to end all gold medals in Olympics ceremonies, we weren't expecting much from Canada. Because it's Canada. But seriously. To start off the amazing Olympics event, I stayed up until midnight to watch a flying kid, flying canoes, Riverdance, and a giant light-up polar bear. At least I think that's what it was. To top it off, the torch didn't light properly and Steve Nash is not much to look at. The closing ceremonies were even worse. I'm pretty sure Canada asked the United States to create a presentation making fun of Canada and then used all their ideas. Inflatable beavers and mooses (meece?)? Check. Mermaid maple leaves? Check. Giant hockey players from the 1950s? Check. NICKLEBACK AND AVRIL LAVIGNE? Noooooooooo, but check. They should have just asked the South Park guys to sing "Blame Canada" and called it a night.

But speaking of the Olympics...

Evan Lysacek. Are you gay? Are you straight? Will you and your lightning bolt tattoo marry me?

And speaking of semi-naked men...

Unknown hotties. 2010 has brought out a random assortment of attractive men that I never knew existed. I'll 

show you.

Yes, I know he's not necessarily from 2010, but I discovered him in 2010. Alexander Skarsgard, you are a way sexier vampire than RPatz (sorry Suze).

I didn't want to jump on this bandwagon, but you've got to admit that Sam Worthington is darling. Where did he come from? He was even cute as a blue alien thing!

Okay, so he technically isn't from 2010, but Colby Donaldson returned to television in 2010 on the new season of Survivor. Thank you CBS.

Stay tuned. I'm sure 2010 will bring us many more WTF moments. I'm going to Vegas in two weeks.