Caterpillars

My first day of student teaching, my mentor teacher handed me some gloves, a Qtip, and a sewing needle. She informed me I would be pollinating flowers. Why the needle? I asked hesitantly.

To keep the dead bees from flopping around while I swabbed them with a Qtip and then transfered the pollen to a flower.


Gross gross gross. I almost abandoned my teaching career at that exact moment. Good thing I kept going, because two weeks ago, I had the privilege of working once again with my least favorite thing in the whole entire world: bugs.

I escaped took a break from my little darling (you remember, she peed on me) for a week and subbed in a 2nd-grade classroom. The teacher's sister had hip replacement surgery, so I was called in to take over for five days. As the teacher caught me up on what I'd be teaching while she was gone, she innocently slipped in this little gem: "By the way, the caterpillars arrive on Wednesday, so you'll need to transfer them from their carrying case to their individual containers." She failed to mention the GIANT BALL OF FOOD/POOP the caterpillars would be smushed into when they arrived. More on that later.

Side note: when I was younger, the neighborhood girls and I spent hours outside capturing bugs, putting them in jars, and creating bug worlds. I was hardly squeamish about picking up worms and caterpillars, but that was when I was young and naive. Fast forward to last week.

The caterpillars arrived in a box, with the following instructions: REMOVE CATERPILLARS FROM BOX IMMEDIATELY. I wanted to eat lunch, but I pictured thirty caterpillars crawling around inside their container, desperate for food and their newfound friendships with twenty-four excited eight-year-olds. I sliced open the box.

It's hard to tell, but there is a large brown mass in the middle of this container. The mass is a mixture of caterpillar food and caterpillar poop, all rolled into one gigantic ball, covered with caterpillars. There are also some dead caterpillars smashed inside this food/poop ball. My job was to remove all the live caterpillars from the food/poop ball and transfer them to their individual containers.

But first, I needed to fill the mini-containers with caterpillar food. Which smelled like vomit. Vomit and rotten food. Vomit, rotten food, and poopy diaper. Worst smell ever ever ever. I used a spoon to smush some vomit-food into each caterpillar container. I gagged every. single. time.

I did not eat lunch. I had to breathe through my nose. I had to leave the room periodically to get fresh air.

Twenty minutes later, I had filled thirty caterpillar cups with the vomit-food. My next task was to transfer one caterpillar into each container. With a thin paintbrush. The poor caterpillars did not want to leave their food/poop ball and I swear their tiny caterpillar hands were clinging on for dear life. It only took me another TWENTY MINUTES to transfer all the caterpillars.

Ta da!! Forty minutes of my life...gone.

As of two days ago, most of the caterpillars (that didn't die) were cozied up in their chrysalises, waiting to become beautiful butterflies, which we aren't allowed to release into the wild, so the kids get to watch them shrivel up and die right before their very eyes. The circle of life.

Spring Cleaning

I'm sick. I've been stuck under my covers for over 24 hours, sleeping for a few hours, waking up long enough to empty out my DVR, then dozing off again. My least favorite thing is being sick.

With nothing else to do, I'm attempting to clean out my iTunes library. I first downloaded the money-sucking application in 2002, four years before I got an actual iPod. When I graduated high school, my iTunes library was filled with Nsync, Britney Spears, and Alanis Morissette. Although those three artists remain (and always will), my taste in music has greatly improved, but my library has become cluttered and outdated. My college bff Jeff once spent nearly four hours transferring his entire music collection onto my laptop, loading me up with his favorites -- which became my favorites -- and many many many albums I've loved and then forgotten.

It's fascinating how much music controls our lives. In my library of 4000+ songs, I hold priceless memories.

Enya reminds me of high school, because Nelly played "Sail Away" during a presentation and let me listen to the entire song before she moved on to the academic part of her project. The Lion King soundtrack reminds me of my childhood, because Katy and I used to act out all the songs. The Faint reminds me of my last years of college, where an ill-fated "romance" took up too much of my time.

"In the Air Tonight," my all-time favorite song, marked the end of a months-long fight with a best friend, who attempted a peace offering by playing Phil Collins for me.

"Knights in White Satin" reminds me of my father, who loves the Moody Blues. "Freshman" reminds me of my favorite boyfriend from high school, who played The Verve Pipe over and over while we drove around in his car. The High School Musical soundtrack reminds me of my grandmother, because I watched the movie over and over after she died, attempting to erase my sadness.

I deleted Bloc Party because I don't have to pretend to like them anymore. Same with Cloud Cult, who I wanted to love, but never could. I'm keeping Embrace, even though their second album was disappointing. I'm on the fence with Stars and Eels.

I'll forever keep The Proclaimers because it's the only CD my parents and I could agree on when we drove to Spokane every summer. "Polaris" by Jimmy Eat World became a favorite in 2005 and only lost its reign to "Disintegration" a few years later. Both songs epitomize college.

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" brings back memories from our 1989 trip to Hawaii, because the locals blasted it. "When I'm 64" was the karaoke song of the 90s, when my mom got us neighborhood kids a karaoke machine. "To Love You More" by Celine Dion treated Brianna and I to endless hours of joy when we both got our driver's licences. "Crazy" by KC and JoJo reminds me of my prom, which was nearly eight years ago. Where has the time gone?

All we have left are memories. And music.

Why I Dress Like a Ten-Year-Old

I went to the Gap last weekend and bought four solid-colored tshirts for $12 each. I will wear them four times a week for the next three months. If I'm really crazy, I might wear an athletic t-shirt from Target to work. I also own several hoodie sweatshirts and four pairs of Chuck Taylors. Why, do you ask, do I wear jeans and t-shirts every day to work?

Exhibit A: My students love to wipe their noses/spit/grubby hands all over me.
I once wore a nice blouse with ruffles on the front. And by ruffles I mean a fancy handkerchief for seven-year-olds.

Exhibit B: I have been peed on at least twice.
The second time was when I brought two boys to the bathroom and prematurely (postmaturely?) helped unzip a zipper.

Exhibit C: Paint is fun to flick.
St. Patrick's Day = green paint = green clothing.

Exhibit D: Ketchup is served for lunch every day.
And sometimes, all we eat for lunch is ketchup.

Exhibit E: I am a jungle gym.
No, please, step on my feet and ask me to walk around the classroom. Also, go right ahead and climb on me while I'm tying your shoes. And while we're at it, I would love to chase you around in my flats all over the bark-covered playground.

Exhibit F: Oral fixation.
Every child in my classroom constantly has a finger or hand stuck in his mouth. Why would we wash our hands if we can just wipe our slobber on my shirt? Or face.

Exhibit G: My coworkers are 40-year-old moms.
If I dress remotely cute, I'm asked by four different women if I have a date after school. Or if I'm meeting friends for happy hour. Or if I'm "going out on the town." No, I'm going home to take a shower.

WTF 2010??

First off, where did February go? Where did JANUARY go? I'm fairly positive we just had Christmas Break...and now we're almost at St. Patty's Day? Time flies when you're...partially employed.

2010 has brought some great events so far. Two friends have had babies. Two more announced their pregnancies. Matt Morris released quite possibly the best album of 2010, and it's only March. I went on my first shopping trip to Ikea. I got even better at Rockband (I know. You're surprised I even had room to improve). But 2010 has also brought some crazy events. I would like to present you with:

WTF 2010?! (so far)

Lost. I can't even begin to explain this season of Lost. Dead characters have returned. The plane "didn't" crash. Claire has gone nuts, as has Sayid. Sawyer has barely any screen time. Please let him end up with Kate. Not enough Ben! How will everything be solved by May? I'm going crazy with every episode and have already re-watched some of the episodes twice. 

And speaking of crazy television events...

The opening and closing Olympics ceremonies. After China won the gold medal to end all gold medals in Olympics ceremonies, we weren't expecting much from Canada. Because it's Canada. But seriously. To start off the amazing Olympics event, I stayed up until midnight to watch a flying kid, flying canoes, Riverdance, and a giant light-up polar bear. At least I think that's what it was. To top it off, the torch didn't light properly and Steve Nash is not much to look at. The closing ceremonies were even worse. I'm pretty sure Canada asked the United States to create a presentation making fun of Canada and then used all their ideas. Inflatable beavers and mooses (meece?)? Check. Mermaid maple leaves? Check. Giant hockey players from the 1950s? Check. NICKLEBACK AND AVRIL LAVIGNE? Noooooooooo, but check. They should have just asked the South Park guys to sing "Blame Canada" and called it a night.

But speaking of the Olympics...

Evan Lysacek. Are you gay? Are you straight? Will you and your lightning bolt tattoo marry me?

And speaking of semi-naked men...

Unknown hotties. 2010 has brought out a random assortment of attractive men that I never knew existed. I'll 

show you.

Yes, I know he's not necessarily from 2010, but I discovered him in 2010. Alexander Skarsgard, you are a way sexier vampire than RPatz (sorry Suze).

I didn't want to jump on this bandwagon, but you've got to admit that Sam Worthington is darling. Where did he come from? He was even cute as a blue alien thing!

Okay, so he technically isn't from 2010, but Colby Donaldson returned to television in 2010 on the new season of Survivor. Thank you CBS.

Stay tuned. I'm sure 2010 will bring us many more WTF moments. I'm going to Vegas in two weeks.

Elementary Thoughts

My roommate recently went through a box of her old projects and stories from elementary school. She found this little gem, which I simply can't resist sharing.

If I Ran the World

By Michelle

If I ran the world everything would be free.

My mom would be my servant.

My dad would be my limo driver.

My brother would go to Jayden’s house and live there.

I would have a sleepover every Friday-Saturday.

I won’t have school. There would be no parents. Two girls would live with me. Their names are Tina and Marsha.

Cars would be $100.00. I would win the lottery 100 times.

I would have 100 limos. I would have 6 theaters.

They would play Free Willy and Mrs. Doubtfire.

Well, I don’t know if it will happen or not but I hope it will happen.

Going Without

Every year for Lent, I give something up. I'm not Catholic, but I like the idea of removing something (potentially) negative from my life for over a month. Usually, my sacrifices lead to better habits in the long run. Aside from the religious aspects of Lent (remembering Jesus' temptation from the Devil for forty days and nights in the wilderness), I like to think of Lent as a time to make positive changes for myself.

This all started my junior year of college when my roommate Liz and I decided to give up fast food for Lent. After our forty days, this led to us only eating fast food once a month, which quickly led to a frantic dash to Wendy's on the first day of every month. We tried.

One year, I gave up celebrity gossip, which was much harder than I anticipated. It also didn't help that Anna Nicole Smith decided to die a few days before Lent started. The next year, I gave up online celebrity gossip, which was really just a good excuse to remove perezhilton.com from my life. I've since stopped reading his website. I also no longer buy People or USWeekly magazines, but I read my roommate's copies when she's done with them. That doesn't count.

One year I tried to give up Facebook (HA) and settled on checking it once a week (HA) which turned into once a day which has since turned into my nightly unwind ritual. Whatever did we do before Facebook? Last year, I gave up being negative and gossipy about an acquaintance of mine, which was my most successful "giving up" of all time. She and I now have a comfortable friendship.  

This year, I'm giving up eating out at restaurants. This includes lunch, dinner, fast food, happy hour, and going out for drinks.* In college, I started a horrible tradition of eating out 2-3 nights a week, which turned into 3-5 nights a week after I graduated. My first year of teaching, I ate out nearly every night. Obviously, this has led to an unhealthy diet, a dwindling bank account, and a lack of dish-washing skills. I'll be forced to cook -- or at least to drive to my parents' house and plop myself down at their dining table. I'll be saving money, eating healthier, and learning a life skill or two. The crockpot is waiting on the counter and I went out for Italian last night (and will be going out for lunch tomorrow...and happy hour on Tuesday...have to get it out of my system!). 

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*Unfortunately I have to break my "giving up" on two occasions. I'm going to Portland this weekend with my mom and to Vegas in March to visit a friend. These were pre-arranged trips, before I made the decision. So they don't count. So there.